Lord Vader-

I understand that saying anything on this issue may qualify me for one of your famous telekenetic stranglings, but I have to speak up. When I joined the Imperial Army many years ago I was told that it was the most highly trained, well equipped army in the galaxy. After rising through the ranks and seeing things first hand myself, I have come to realize that our dominance and stranglehold over the majority of the systems in the galaxy comes not from our training or our equipment. It comes from sheer numbers and the fact that, up until recently, people have been too frightened to stand up to us. Due to recent incidents, I’ve come to realize that dominance through numbers and fear will not be enough in the very near future. I’d like to cite several concerns that I have and potential resolutions so that our dominance can remain secure for the forseeable future. Here they are:

Stormtrooper Equipment and Training

I’ve seen tapes from the incursion that we had at the Death Star just before it was destroyed and I was apalled. Four rebels and their droids effectively skirted all of our security measures to the prison on board, rescued a prisoner and then fought off an entire garrison of Stormtroopers. How did they do this? There are several reasons that I will talk about later, but I believe the two main reasons are Stormtrooper equipment and training.

Body Armor

The body armor that we give to our soldiers is a joke. I realize that there is a certain terrifying aesthetic that it gives to them, but it offers no protection whatsoever. If I have body armor it should at least absorb a single blaster shot and failing that should be able to protect against your random stone being thrown at you. (there have been a few incidents on Endor with the natives attacking us with rocks thrown from above. While there haven’t been a lot of incidents with this, I fear that it may be escalating). In addition to the poor protection of the armor it is also bulky and provides low mobility. It would be much better to either have armor that works or no armor so they can dodge blaster shots like those rebel scum appear to be able to do.

Training

There is no doubt in my mind that the reason that the rebels have a foothold in this galaxy is because our Stormtroopers can’t hit the broad side of a barn. I’ve watched three rebel troopers fend off four or five times their number in Stormtroopers simply because they can aim. I’ve seen some rebels on the tapes that point their guns behind them, fire without looking and still hit their target! All this while our soldiers with careful aim can’t hit much of anything.

If we just spent a few hours at the shooting range rather than looking for that son of yours, I am certain that there would be no more rebellion. We would hit our target and they would all be dead.

Vehicles

It has come to my attention that recent testing of the AT-ST walker has been abyssmal. As I understand it, the firepower is tremendous in such a small package, but there are other things that is has failed in that should have caused the Empire to make a pass on this technology. Being two legged has some definite advantages for mobility, but only if you can manage to keep it on two legs. Recent test have shown that a simple pile of logs can trip this vehicle up, causing massive explosions in the cabin when it falls.

In addition to problems with stability, tests on cabin strength have failed miserably. The stability of the cabin can be disrupted by hurling some medium sized rocks at it. The cabin has also shown that it cannot withstand moderate outside pressure without collapsing. While we used a hydraulic press to create the pressure, in the outside world this pressure could be obtained by swinging two trees at it. Despite my recommendations not to proceed with this project, the AT-ST has been widely deployed.

A New Death Star?

I have several friends who have been tasked with starting to build a new Death Star. I thought that surely they were joking with me when they told me this. Have we learned nothing from the massive failure of the first Death Star? Having a massive weapon in space does nothing besides give the rebels a target to destroy. Especially since all of our high command seems to flock to these stations. How many generals and admirals did we lose with the destruction of Death Star 1? I understand that you barely escaped alive and only because the rebels lost interest in killing imperials once the station was destroyed. No matter how well you plan this new station, there will always be some weakness that our enemies will seek and find. Why not put the effort that it takes to build it and put that into building more star destroyers?

Security

The last thing that I will comment on is the lack of security protocols that we have in our organization. I understand that when the four rebels snuck on board the original Death Star that part of why they were so successful was because one Astromech droid was able to hack out security systems, from several different locations! Why don’t we have port security on thes droid ports? Why don’t security personnel get notified when there is unauthorized access to the system? Why are there so many of these ports around our facilities at all? Frankly, if I were the rebellion, I would just bring on thousands of droids to hack our network and bring the Empire to it’s knees.

 

The final thing I would like to say is that I resign, effective immediately, as a stormtrooper. I know that these suggestions will anger you and my life will be cut short, either by your ancient religious powers or by being shot while using my terrible armor.

Thank you,

Stormtrooper #1138